Drive It Like A Woman

Recently, to the horror of the entire nation, female drivers in this country were propelled to the limelights for getting more aggressive on the road.

Despite the many tales of incompetent drivers in our town that could make any fictional bestsellers look pale in comparison, I approach driving with a Westerner mindset.

I enlist my self-declared top 10 best behaviors on the road that aptly apply to both male and female drivers:

1) Heels make a woman look taller and slimmer when standing and walking, but they do not have any place when one’s sitting on the driver seat. They can’t feel the brake pedals. Ditch them when driving.
2) Yes you could apply makeup while driving but make sure the car has come to a complete halt at traffic lights. Then the eyeliner and eyelash curler please.
3) If it’s just your crazy work mate sms you about the details of the flirt she had with this cute ang moh she bumped into at La Bodega, forget about replying. The list goes on for people who just want to find an aunt agony for their sob stories, and yes, kids who sms on “what is a correction pen” – the latest invention they discover from climbing the book rack in the study.
4) No drinking and eating while driving. This includes booze, milo, premium roasted coffee and also hot dogs. I have witnessed women eating while driving and wondered what would happen if the old uncle driver ahead applied too much leg force onto the brake pedal and the ketchup from the hot dog landed on a Raoul ladies shirt.
5) Cute as they are, admiration of God’s most beautiful creation – our own babies must be limited only to traffic jam moments only. How many times I was horrified to see moms looked back into the rear passenger seat to talk to their baby and actually forgot that they were behind the wheels!
6) Do not, I repeat, do not drive on the fast lane when you can only manage 60km per hour on the highway. Move aside people, for drivers who are born to speed safely. Ain’t no benefit hogging the lane meant for 80km per hour and above.
7) To the ah bengs on the road: Even if you need to speed on, do so safely, what’s the point of tailing people’s car so close like you are doing some kind of vehicle waltz, and then when you vroom past in your beaten maroon 1983 mean machine that spells p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c, I was laughing so hard about your ego.
8) I always change my tyres to suit my car so that I don’t have to keep stepping onto the brake for the 34th time on a clear road! On a busy day trying to rush to attend some functions, drivers who go on an automatic mode of applying the brake when they see the driver at least 50 metres ahead does so really kill me with their incompetency.
9) Cars got dignity too I’m so sure if some cars can talk, they actually cry out loud to their owners “please do not stick that ugly-looking and non-functional wing on the rear, the birds actually live on me last nite”. And hey, if that BMW aint a M3, please continue to dream and work hard to buy your dream, but do not try to fake it with a faux stick-on. It is an obvious fake.
10) Signal left signal right. Indicators have a purpose, use them.

I have Daddy Joe to thank for teaching me the truth about defensive driving to survive the road trip in KL. When I take corners over the Kerinchi to get to Midvalley, I actually drive in the centre over the sharp bent and just cruise it at a steady 65-70 km per hour instead of applying the brake at least 12 times just to bring down the speed. I drive it like a woman. So may be, just may be, I wasn’t counted for the statistic. So proud of me!

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